Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Oh, please! She's always got a broom in her hand!
[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]
Joey: Hey!
The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We've got uh, scarves, tulip post cards...
Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah. That's the stuff. What do you think?
Chandler: Well, I don't have to buy that, "I'm with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for the hat.)
Chandler: All right, look, you're not really gonna buy that are you? Don't you think you've embarrassed me enough for one day?
Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?
Chandler: How can I answer that when I'm pretending I don't know you?
The Vendor: He's just jealous. You'll fit right in; all Londoners wear them!
Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?
The Vendor: (looks around) They're all tourists.
Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y'know, you're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you're gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.
The Vendor: Good choice.
Joey: Thanks.
Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that's it, okay, I'm out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
(A man walks up to Joey and stares at Chandler and the flower stand. Joey turns around to introduce himself.)
Joey: How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani, America.
(Joey shakes his hand. The man looks at him and his hat.)
[Scene: The hotel, Ross's room, Emily is entering.]
Emily: Hello?
Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we'll be able to find a new place for the wedding.
Emily: We don't have to.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit.
Ross: She said what?
Emily: She said, "If I'm not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it."
Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister's teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn't right.
Emily: I realise that people are going to be disappointed. But, I'm sure they'll come back when we can do it right.
Ross: I can't ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)
Emily: Don't you point your pants at me! (She throws them on the floor.) We have no choice! Anywhere that's half-decent would've be booked months ago, Ross don't you understand? This is our wedding I'm talking about.
Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we're getting married.
Emily: So what are you saying? It's now or never?
Ross: No. I'm saying it's now. (He starts putting on his pants, backwards again.)
Emily: Or?
Ross: There's no 'or' in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!!
Emily: It's not the pants. It's you that is backwards. And if, and if you don't understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn't get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please-(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of shopping bags.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: (depressed) Hi.
Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross?
Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.
Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him.
Rachel: You can?
Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross.
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)
Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree?
Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn't feel like getting up. Okay, I'm gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you're going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws.
Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he's such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you're with Ross okay and imagine that you're kissing him. And you're-you're running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it's some kind of grease, it's-uck! Hah?
Rachel: I don't know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y'know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy.
Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let's try some uh, aversion therapy.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay?
Rachel: All right.
Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture...
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: All right, and umm... (She grabs the picture and smacks her in the head.)
Rachel: Ow!
Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?
Rachel: Well, I like you less!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's hotel room. Chandler is trying to kick his shoe into a trash can that is standing on the TV. He can't do it.]
Chandler: Well, this is just as boring in England.
(Joey returns, still wearing his hat.)
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)
Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!
Chandler: No-no-no, y'know what? I really shouldn't have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn't cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I've had a really lousy day.
Joey: Me too.
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Noo!! I've had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Now, I'm gonna fastforward past the part with you, 'cause it is boring.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch something he has taped.)
[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some famous place in London with a rather famous English-type person.]
Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat.
Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay, so umm, what's your friend's name?
Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.
Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)
Chandler: That's... That's was...
Monica: Oh my God!
Joey: That's Fergie baby!!
Fergie: Joey says you don't really like his hat, but I think it's kinda dashing.
Joey: (on tape) So, I hear you're single now...
Fergie: Yeah, ummm, I don't like the hat that much. (She smiles.)
Chandler: How did you? How? How?
Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I'm in my map and-and...(Ross enters) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily.
Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are welcome!
Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?!
Monica: Umm...
Chandler: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)
Ross: Hey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady, here's a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn't want to have the wedding at all?
Monica: She said that?!
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Why?!
Ross: I don't know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.
Monica: Oh my God. You're even dumber than I am!
Ross: Excuse me?
Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding?
Ross: I don't know. A month?
Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That's what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.
Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun.
Monica: Sometimes we were.
Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay?
Monica: Okay.
Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)
Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?
Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!
Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is on the couch, and Rachel is sitting on the chair.]
Phoebe: Ooh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross pops his gum!
Rachel: Oh, right! (BEAT) Wait a minute, I do that too.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy.
(The phone rings.)
Phoebe: I'll get it.
(She answers it.)
Phoebe: Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey!
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the-that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!' but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like you.
Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?
Phoebe: Ohh, they're having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn't been helpful at all. So, do you miss me?
Joey: Kinda, but I've just been having way too much fun.
Phoebe: So you're not homesick yet?
Joey: No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.
Joey: Who's seven?
Phoebe: Y'know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies...
Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?
Phoebe: Of course they do! Or I'm just really hungry.
(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe's door.)
Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy's here!
Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!
Phoebe: Yeah. But y'know we were thinking about you, y'know we ordered the Joey Special.
Joey: Two pizzas?!
Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.
Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, he's happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
[Scene: Ross and Emily's planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?!
Monica: You'll see.
Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen.
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)
Emily: Oh God.
Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y'know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles...
Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And the chairs can face this way (Points), and... (Points to Ross) You go.
Ross: But-but, if you don't love this, we'll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it's fine, whatever you want.
Emily: It's perfect.
Ross: And, I don't know, if it starts to rain...
Emily: Well then we'll get wet. (They kiss.)
Monica: Ohh. And I don't even have a date.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her bedroom.]
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's in the guys' apartment under the sink. Why?
Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I'm going to London.
Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you're going to London?
Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don't have those babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)
Phoebe: But what about all the "finding-his-flaws" stuff we've been doing?
Rachel: Yeah, that didn't work.
Phoebe: I-Rachel, you can't go! Ross loves Emily!
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision.
Phoebe: That's not why you're going! You're going because you hope he's gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."
Rachel: Ohh-Do you think he will?!
Phoebe: No! Because he's in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you're just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y'know, it's too late! You missed you're chance! I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard, it's over.
Rachel: Y'know what? No. It's not over until someone says, "I do." (Exits)
Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesn't stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham House. A phone is ringing.]
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily's Parents' house.
Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.
Phoebe: What are you saying?!
Housekeeper: Now, let us try that again, shall we?
(The housekeeper hangs up.)
Phoebe: (Shocked) No! Ooh! Oh my god! (Dials again.)
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Phoebe: (In a British accent) Hello. This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please?
Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.
Phoebe: No no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?
Housekeeper: I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don't give me that number then I'm going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.
Housekeeper: Hangs up.
Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass.
[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are standing in the reception area. Monica arrives with her parents.]
Monica: Hey.
Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom. Dad.
Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.
Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..
Mrs. Geller: Jack, that's what they call the subway.
Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you....
Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!
Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham.
Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it's the Gellers. (She pays no attention she's talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it's the Gellers. (She's still not responding.) She's very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.
Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?
Mr. Waltham: It's the Gellers!
Mrs. Waltham: Where?