Ficobase

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there.]

Chandler: Do you think that there's a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you're driving into town there's-there's like a sign, and it says “You're in Sample.” (He says it like urine sample.)

Monica: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey!

Rachel: How'd it go with Pete?!

Joey: Tell us!

Monica: You're not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over...

[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They're both names you've already heard. One's Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]

Billy Crystal: I'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry, it's a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)

Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?

Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.

(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)

Robin: Keep on scooching.

[cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete's]

Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm...

(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)

Robin: Why? Why?! What's wrong with me?!

Billy: What's the matter?

Robin: I have a feelin'... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist.

(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)

Billy: How do you know?

Robin: Well y'know, he's got access.

Billy: Yeah.

Robin: Y'know it's that feeling you get, y'know?

Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you're in somebody else's shoes?

Robin: That's the one.

[cut back to the gang.]

Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete's...

Ross: What happened?

Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...

[cut to Billy and Robin]

Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don't know, maybe it's my wound.

[cut to the gang]

Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)

Billy: So it's-it's not heeled yet?

Robin: No-no, it's ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any -- Oh, there's the cream.

Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.

Robin: What is it, Tim?

Billy: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.

Joey: (to Billy) So you're the gynaecologist?

Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I'm trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?!

Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!

Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)

[cut to the gang, they're all stunned]

Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?

Monica: (pause) I have no idea.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name.

Monica: He didn't ask me to marry him.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: Well then definately don't take his name.

Monica: He wanted to tell me he's gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.

The Guys: Pete?!

Rachel: Why?! What is it?

Monica: I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling.

Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!

Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.

Joey: And it's not fake, it's totally brutal.

Chandler: Yeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “They're are no rules.”

Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people's hair and stuff?

Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.

Monica: What's fish hooking?

Ross: Huh, what's fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross's mouth and pulls on his cheek, y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?

Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]

Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It's good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let's go out there and get 'em! Huh? And remember, there is no 'I' in team.

Chandler: Yes, but there's two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.

Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What's your name?

Chandler: Oh it's Bing, sir. I'm sorry , I was just ah...

Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it's also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations.]

Ross: (on phone) That's right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.

Rachel: Yes!!

Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks him on the butt)

Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.

Phoebe: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?

Chandler: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.

Joey: Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)

(Ross throws his hands out in a “What are you doing?” gesture)

Rachel: Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob.

Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 'em.

Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?

Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?

Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.

Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don't turn your back to him.

Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?

Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey were president?

(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)

Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?

Rachel: Oh, ah with who?

Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren't together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you're not cool with it...

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?

Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She's yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...

Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That's fine.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)

[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]

Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?

Pete: I told you, we're adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?

Hoshi: It's just hard when I know I have e-mail I can't get!

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.

Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)

Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don't want you to get hurt, 'cause I kinda like you.

Pete: Oh, believe me, I don't want to get hurt either. I'm being smart about this. See these guys? They're the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.

Monica: Promise me you'll be careful.

Pete: I promise.

Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?

Pete: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, good, 'cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own...

Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!

Monica: How 'bout just a boom?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?

Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has hair by the way)

Bonnie: Hi!

Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You're Bonnie?

Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?

Rachel: Oh no, I'm sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you.

Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.

Rachel: Oh, that must be it.

Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.

Bonnie: Thanks! You too.

(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)

[cut to outside of Central Perk]

Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.

Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she's not now.

Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair?

Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly ever say that about people.

Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!

Phoebe: Well I'm sorry, I thought you said it was okay.

Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!

Phoebe: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality.

Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?

Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie's the best!

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is bent over getting some water as his boss approaches.]

Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler's co-workers) Keep at it team. (goes into his office)

Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?

Phil: With him? You're is favourite, you're his guy!

Stevens: We never get smacked.

Chandler: Well, that's not true, he-he smacked you once.

Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.

Stevens: I'm telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.

Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing?

Chandler: No sir.

Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)

[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]

Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!

Monica: God Ross, what is that?

Ross: Yeah, it's the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!

Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He's known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!

[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]

Monica: I love you, Pete!!!

Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He's a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!

(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one boo-ing him.)

Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy's pretty huge!

Pete: Don't worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent's strength and weight against him.

Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.

(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.” to him.)

Ross: All right! You go get him! Let's go!

Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, “Yes.”) Let's get it on!!

(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)

Pete: Uh-oh.

(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]

Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It's me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.

Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!”

Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.

Pete: What, look back?

Monica: Well, you're not gonna get going are you?

Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Monica: Well, no. But...

Pete: Well I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!

Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad's garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.

Monica: You didn't know that already?

Pete: Look, I'm gonna get better. Okay? I promise you.

Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.

Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.

Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]

Monica: (joining them) Hey.

Ross: Hey! How long until Pete's fight?

Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they're interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.

Ross: Hot dog?

Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I'm really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back inside)

Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?

Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn't expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn't expecting to like anyone right now, but she's really terrific.

Phoebe: Ohh, that's too bad!

Ross: No, I-I'm saying I liked her.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea.

Ross: Pheebs, I think she's great. Okay? We're going out again.

Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else?

Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one's my turkey burger?

Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight's starting!

Ross: Okay, we'll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?

Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it's gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.

Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight's over!

(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.)

[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board.]

Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey there sports fan!!

Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?

Chandler: No, I ah, I didn't do them.

Doug: Oh, you forgot?

Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn't do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don't deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.

Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. (laughs) That's okay, you're still my number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!

Chandler: Doug!!

Doug: Hmm.

Chandler: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.

Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!

Chandler: No, no. It-it's not about the swearing, it's more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.

Doug: Oh?

Chandler: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It's just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's making all the other guys jealous.

Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You're okay.

Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)

Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!

Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head)

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking.]

Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?

Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it's Ross and that girl.

(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)

Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the window) It's a line of ants! They're working as a team!

Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)

Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let's go.

Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that's, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that's what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...

Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.

Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.

Phoebe: You said it was okay!

Rachel: You said she was bald!!

Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!

Rachel: Phoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!

Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don't get it. Aren't you the one that decided that you didn't want to be with Ross?

Rachel: (quietly) Yes.

Phoebe: Well isn't he your friend? Don't you want him to be happy?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: I just y'know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)

Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.

Rachel: Oh!

(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)

[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]

Pete: It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks, it's a precaution. Ah, I'm not supposed to move my spine.

Monica: Please tell me you're stopping now.

Pete: I'm fine! I'd fight tonight, if they'd let me. (stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of terror.

Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

Pete: I can't until I'm the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I'm telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I'm not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.

Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!

Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt.

Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you're gonna have to do it without me.

Pete: Well if you're asking me to quit, then you're asking me to be someone I'm not. I've got to do this.

Monica: Then I've gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)

Pete: Mon-Monica?

Monica: Yes?

Pete: Could you leave a note? 'Cause I'm on a lot of pain killers now, and I don't know if I'll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler's office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]

Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up (points to the chart) , so I'm happy. Great job team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn't have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)

Chandler: Thank you, sir.

Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident.

Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You're not feeling left out or anything are ya?

Chandler: No. No, not at all, that's-that's ridiculous.

Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don't you?

Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!

Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him on the butt)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching.]

TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he's just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...

Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!

Rachel: Oh, I can't watch this. (turns her eyes away)

Joey: Check it out, he's winning! (to Monica) Pete's winning!

Monica: Really?!

Joey: No-o-o!!

TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.

All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)

Phoebe: Wait, if that's his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?

Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can't.

All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)

End

 

325 The One At The Beach

 

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.]

Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!

Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, I don't know, we were, we were making out.

Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.

[cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.]

Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?

Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking about geography.

Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.

Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) That's my Mom's writing! Look.

Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.

Phoebe: Y'know what that means?

Joey: That you're actually 50?

Phoebe: No-no, that's not, that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal Phoebe. According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends Forever.

All: Oh!

Rachel: That is so cool.

Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the beach?

All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!

Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I can't go, I have to work!

Ross: That's too bad.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.

Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna drive out to Montauk.

Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!

(Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey quickly apologises.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]

Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.

Chandler: You're not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.

Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks!

Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, I'll be your boyfriend.

(At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.)

Monica: Yeah right.

Chandler: Why is that so funny?

Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed.

Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I not ah, boyfriend material?

Monica: Well, no. You're Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm)

Chandler: Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we weren't friends, say it's a blind date. I show up at your door, and I'm like (in a fake voice) “Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.”

Monica: Well I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.

Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey!

Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food!

Joey: No, it's just my luggage.

(Phoebe drives up.)

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!

Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!

Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.

Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger you hit?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.

Rachel: (approaching) Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!

(She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot wide.)

Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I can't have children!!

Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?

Rachel: Ross gave it to me.

Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.

Rachel: Ohh, thank you.

Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?

Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.

Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat.

[Scene: At the Beach, it's raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachel's hat.]

Ross: Go, go, go!

Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be under this hat!

(They get inside and notice on small problem.)

Phoebe: Oy!!

Monica: What's with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered in sand)

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.

Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.

[Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is trying to sell a house over the phone. By the way, it's still raining outside.]

Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it's kind've an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.

Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock.

Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)

Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?

Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.

Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your best friends daughter!

Phoebe Sr: You're Erwin's daughter?!

Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high school. Remember?

Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I remember Lily. I... Then you must be?

Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess.

Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There's Frank. (points to the picture.)

Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That's my Dad, that's Frank! Yeah! I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.

Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want, there's cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria!

Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.

Phoebe Sr: Oh.

Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, I've been, I've been looking for my Father, and umm, have you heard from him, or seen him?

Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I'm sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school.

Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.

Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.

Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?

Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily. (Phoebe notices a picture on the fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your mother that way.

Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great.

[Scene: The beach house, it's still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monica's nails, and they're all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]

Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is?

Monica: What?!

Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should totally play strip poker.

All: No, no!

Monica: What are you crazy?!

Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you have to play, it's like a law!

Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done!

Monica: Aww, thank you.

Rachel: Okay, who's next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)

Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a “Please?” look.) No way!

Rachel: Come on, please?! I'm boredddd! You let me do it once before.

(Ross shoots Joey a look, who shoots Chandler a look, who gives Joey an “Oh my God.” look back.)

Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that's the rule this weekend... (She gets up) No!

Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)

Ross: Get away!

Rachel: Just once!

Ross: Stay away!

Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!

Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandler's sand castle) No!

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Chandler: Big bullies!!

(Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)

Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!

(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)

Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?

Chandler: Bored and bored!

Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is never boring?

All: Noo!!

Monica: (to Phoebe) So what's Phoebe like?

Phoebe: I'm kind, caring, and sweet. What's Monica like?

Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you went to go see.

Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad is.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Oh well, where is he?!

Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like she hasn't heard from him on years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica) ! Isn't this what he would look like now?

Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of them.)

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

The Guys: Yeah!

Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?

Phoebe: I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, she's gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time to, buy me presents, I don't know! So, you're all bored?

All: Ohh!!

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it.

Joey: Okay, all right.

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: Fan out! Fan out!

(They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a circle.)

Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we could just do this. (She stops at Chandler)

Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.

Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!

[cut to later]

Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?

Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn't find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff.

(Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)

Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah.

Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasn't happened yet, but we're all very excited.

Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and let's see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.

The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!

Joey: All right, relax. It's just a shoe.

All: Wooooo!!!!

[cut to later in the game]

Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnold's, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joey's boxers!

Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right where I want you.

Phoebe: Come on, take 'em off!!

Joey: Actually, y'know it's kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?

Rachel: (getting up) All right, I'm gonna make more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the pitcher into Ross's glass.)

Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me drunk?

Rachel: I'm just making margaritas.

Ross: Okay.

Monica: I think I'll help her out. (She gets up to go over and help Rachel, and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?

Rachel: What?!

Monica: You painting his toenails?

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Monica: Chasing him all around the room?

Rachel: Monica, please?

Monica: He's totally flirting with you too.

Rachel: (pause) He is, isn't he? I don't know, I don't know, I mean maybe it's just being here at the beach together or, I don't know. But it's like something... (she's interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)

Bonnie: Hey!

Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!

Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took the train.

Ross: Oh.

Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!

Joey: We're playing Strip Happy Days Game!

Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating breakfast.]

Chandler: So, you still don't think I'm boyfriend material?

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the game last night.

Monica: You didn't even take off your pants.

Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I don't know.

Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else having just the best time?!

Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep.

(Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a mermaid complete with breasts.)

Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.

Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don't know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house.

(Ross and Bonnie enter)

Ross: Good morning.

All: Hey.

Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?

Rachel: Oh, great.

Monica: Like a log.

Ross and Bonnie: Us too.

Rachel: I'm going for a walk.

(Joey finally wakes up.)

Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.

(Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.)

[Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.]

Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?

Rachel: Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out here and reading.

Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.

Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.

Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.

Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!

Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave my head.

Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your look when you were bald.

Bonnie: Really?!

Rachel: Ohh!

Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off again sometime.

Rachel: Really?!

Bonnie: Yeah!

Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that.

Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it.

Rachel: Yeah!

Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo cool.

Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave that head!

Bonnie: All right.

(As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what she's done.)

[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]

Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?

Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled on me!

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town suddenly. She's avoiding me, she doesn't want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she won't tell me.

Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, don't “Aww Pheebs, that sucks!” me yet. (she starts to leave)

Chandler: Where ya going?

Phoebe: Well, she's out of town so, there's gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking and entering.

Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?!

All: Oh, no!! No, no!

Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice, okay? I'll-I'll fill her ice trays.

(She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)

Bonnie: Hey, everybody!

All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)

Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what 'cha did! (Rachel has her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.)

Bonnie: You wanna touch it?

Ross: Nooo, but it, but it's great.

Bonnie: Come on, touch it!

Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your skull.

[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that's right, that's right, it was you!

Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a nudge.

Ross: She said you gave her the razor!

Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys.

Rachel: Hey!

Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the ocean?

Ross: Ahh, no, I'm good.

Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in a bit.

Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!

Rachel: Come on see, she doesn't look that bad.

Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!!

Rachel: I don't know.

Ross: You don't know?! Rach, you balded my girlfriend!

Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else?

Ross: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it, remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.

Ross: You still love me.

Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!

Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross, I still can't forgive you for what you did, I can't, I just, but sometimes when I'm with you I just, I feel so...

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I feel...

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)

Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don't care! I'm not, I'm not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!

(Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly step back from each other.)

Joey: But I made cards!!

Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I'm going upstairs.

Joey and Chandler: G'night.

(Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes upstairs.)

Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice?

[Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.]

(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her butt.)

Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside and the window slams shut.) Oh, shhh!

(She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and “Shhh's” it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.'s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)

Phoebe: No! No!! It's me! It's me! I-I didn't want to make any noise!

Phoebe Sr: Then don't break in!!

Phoebe: I'm sorry.

Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?!

Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays.

Phoebe Sr: What?!

Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, you're just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth!

Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the picture is Chuck Magioni.

Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni?

Phoebe Sr: No, no, that's just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And I'm very sorry, but I don't know where your Father is, and that's the truth.

Phoebe: Oh.

Phoebe Sr: But umm, you're right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which